A pair of shoes can have added torches (for going to the cinema), a
revolving brush (to save you getting the vacuum out) and miniature snowploughs
(for bad weather conditions).
BACKPACK SNOW MACHINE
You can always have a White Christmas - just strap it on your back
and spew out polystyrene snowstorms as you go. John also uses it
for white weddings and for confetti spreading.
No need to buy a new car if your family expands. A space-ship shaped
pod that is towed behind a car with a spare passenger or child in
this along the M4, John got stopped and had to be escorted home
to Northamptonshire by three police forces - they radioed ahead
and changed over to different policemen at the county borders)
Two ball cocks that plug into the mains electricity socket - ideal for
those cold winter mornings
(Appeared in the science
pages of The Times)
An auto ball and chain for your front wheel).
(Used at the NEC Birmingham
for the Ford Focus launch, with John demonstrating)
A speed camera 18 inches tall to put in your back garden. If a cat passes
and breaks the beam, the camera is activated and croaks like a frog.
(It should have barked like a dog but the Chinese man who supplied the
sound chip misheard Johns request.)
(Channel X's "Stupid")
Simply a car trailer that folds up into a suitcase.
The trailer has roller skating boots with feet and furry legs instead
of wheels. 4ft square.
(Central ITV News)
A frame round both partners necks holds dance step charts in front
of them at eye level. Bizarrely, this actually works.
Tarrants "Prove It")
Working to a commission, John created for Mozart the Pug his own pie-shaped home with its own cosy living room with miniature wood-panelling, a stone-effect fireplace and a heart-shaped rug, with curtains hanging on bone-shaped glazed windows.
Shaped like a battle ship with turret, pink hammock and mudguards that
convert into skis for the holidays.
(Le Figaro newspaper,
GARDEN CHOO CHOO
on a 2-O-2 engine wheel configuration, it measures over six feet
long, six foot four inches high at the cab roof top. Complete
with opening boiler doors and front boiler door.
GRAND PRIX RACING DRIVER'S CORKSCREW
A big screw for those big bottles.
JEHOVAH'S WITNESS REVERSIBLE DOOR-KNOCKER
Metal on one side for normal everyday use; silent rubber on the other
side for days when Jehovahs Witnesses are known to be in the area.
(Live on "The Donohue
Show" in New York and syndicated worldwide despite phone complaints)
MOBILE CHURCH FONT
The go-anywhere Christening device for vicars on the move, with thermostatically-controlled water vessel, self-levelling castors and inbuilt towel dispenser. Can be folder away to fit in the car boot.
MOTORISED HOSPITAL BED
People cant get into hospital because of the bed shortage.
Now they can ride there in their own bed. After discussion with
the police, it was agreed to be roadworthy because although the
superstructure is a bed, it has an electric engine. It is 28 inches
wide to get through a standard 30 inch door.
(Central TV News)
MUSICAL FRYING PAN
Lets you listen to your favourite tunes as you sizzle your sausages
- it has a musical doorchime chip in the handle.
and ITV's "This Morning")
NUMB BUM REVIVER
The vibrating chair that revives buttock fatigue. Could be adapted for
an aeroplane. John has cures for diseases they're still designing.
(Featured on ITV charity
ONE-LEGGED MILKING STOOL
With fur-lined hand warmers and a light on a telescopic arm,
the stool also has an alarm clock for milking times on one swing-out
arm and another has a calculator for working out who is giving what
and when to whom.
ONE-MAN PERSONAL BAR-B-Q
Hand-held individual sausage griller.
(Fuji TV in Japan)
ONE-MAN PERSONAL IRRIGATOR SYSTEM
Forget small and time-consuming watering cans. A toilet cistern
straps on your back and with a horizontal pipe you can irrigate
a 6ft wide strip as you stroll around.
(Channel 9 News,
PERSONAL TUNNEL WITH LIGHT AT THE END OF IT
Cheaper than a psychiatrist. With its own grass.
(Used by a Northampton
Liberal Party candidate for a photoshoot)
PERSONAL HEAD SHAMPOOER
Perfect for bald men. A miniature car wash built around your own chair.
The two furry pads are finished in a tasteful shade of pink.
A triangular piece of plastic with three holes of different sizes. If
the raindrops can drop through the small hole, it is OK to go outside.
If the raindrops can go through big hole, it is too wet to go outside.
(As used at a Northampton
RHUBARB PIE BAKING TIN
The ideal tin 2 foot long by 2 inches wide..
Red velvet chair for the Queen Mum with its back shaped like turreted
castle which fires a 21 gun salute. The lions head on the
side squirts gin into a glass.
(Channel 4's "The
ROYAL WAVING HAND
Clips on the interior of the Royal car door and automatically waves
to save wear and tear on Royalty.
(Featured on Channel
4s "The Inventing Jungle")
Everything any child could want when they meet the great man himself.
Available to view only for a limited season.
SNOOKER PLAYER'S COMPANION
A waistcoat with a long pocket for your snooker cue...and theres
a snug place for your balls too.
A bicycle for all situations with snowplough, umbrella, barbecue and
flotation tubes (two plastic bottles painted purple)
(It was ordered by a
man who wanted a bicycle to cycle to China)
SWISS ARMY BRUSH
Includes fold-out attachments with scrubbing brush, toothbrush, paintbrush
(YTV's "The James
Whale Radio Show")
My favourite because of its simplicity. A small black ball with black
nails sticking out of it, which looks like a miniature naval mine -
You put it in your tea so no-one will drink it when you leave the cup
THUNDERBIRD RABBIT ROCKET
Rabbit hutch shaped like a rocket. The floor drops down on electric
cables to let the rabbit on, then retracts. An automatic feeder
descends from the roof to feed the animal. Artificial ears twiddle
on top - the "final front-ears".
(ZDF - German
The screen has a windscreen washer to get rid of flies and a built-in
gas ring on top to boil the tea. Another attachment swings a toast rack
round over the flame.
WINDOW CLEANER'S LADDER BICYCLE
When you ride it, its a bicycle....but, when turned through
90 degrees, it becomes a stepladder.
(NBC and CBS Morning
News in the US)
YO YO SAFETY NET
Never lose your yo-yo if the string breaks; a simple net attached to
(Featured on "The
Donohue Show" on CBS and live coast-to-coast on NBC's "Good